I Haven't Been On Here In A While

But I need to use it more often. I can't write with a pen and paper because my thoughts travel far more quickly than I can write them down. Last night I got broken up with. For the second time in less than 12 months. But the same guy. Who I've been with almost 3 years now. It sucks. I made him come over and do it in person. That was probably the worst decision ever. But at least he could see how much this is destroying me inside. I know I need to change. I know it. I've become to comfortable being just him and I. I had begun to depend on him for happiness and affection. I expected too much from him. And most of all, I've become such a negative person. I need to change all of this. I need to do this for myself. And I want to do this in hopes that someday he might come back to me. I know he loves me. That's not even in question at all. It's just a matter of him believing that I can change and trusting that I will do it. And I know he doesn't. Because we've been here before. I promise I'll change. I will do this. I have to if I ever want to achieve a healthy relationship with anyone. But at the end of the day, I want you. In my heart, you are my soul mate. You have become such a large part of my life. You are my world. But I have to realize that you can't be the center of my world. Just a big part of it. Other people deserve to be my world too. And I've let so many people down by isolating myself and becoming negative. It sucks. But I need to be more positive and believe that he will give me another chance someday. I need to.

Things I like about myself today:
My determination
My ability to calm down just by writing my thoughts down
My ability to realize that I'm wrong

These are just minor things. I know. But maybe it will help me to write down things I like about myself for the day. And maybe try to make an effort to spend more time with my friends. Monday I hung out with my friend Brock at the zoo and then I babysat my cousins. That was the beginning of mine and Taylor's arguing. And then yesterday I hung out with my friend Martika. We talked a lot about things I need to change in order to create a healthier relationship. It was really nice. But then at the end of the night when I dropper her off, Taylor was hanging out with her husband and asked that I not come up to see him. So I didn't. And then he ended up breaking up with me a few hours after that. It sucked so much. But I love him. And he loves me. And nothing is going to stand in my way of proving myself.