I'm really happy with the way yesterday turned out.

I've been spending basically all week with my friend Martika. It's been such a relief. I don't have to talk about my pain unless I want to. She doesn't force me to talk about it. I've found a lot of pleasure in talking about things that Taylor likes or says though. I don't know if it's because I want to remember him in any way I can, or if it's just helping me stay positive and realize that someday he WILL come back to me. I know it in my heart. Last night we talked a little bit. He told me he loves me. I already know that. True love gets through everything. Even the minor bumps in the road. We are both just stressed out and need to take a breather right now I think. I hope everything works out.

Things I like about myself today:
My appetite
Admitting that I'm wrong
Taking responsibility for my wrong-doings
Being persistent

I'm doing a lot better than I expected.

I know it's only been two days now. But this week has been really good. I've been hanging out with a lot of people this week. Almost everyday have had something to do. Actually, I take that back. Everyday this week I've had something to do. The problem isn't that I need Taylor in my life to function. In fact, right now I'm functioning better than I had been this whole past month. Both of our stress combined brought us down and pushed us away from each other. I'm hoping this bump will be smoothed over soon enough and he will realize that we still have a lot worth fighting for. I feel relieved right now because I don't feel like I'm messing up anything. And I don't know why I found it so hard to be this person this past month. I've been a completely different person since the beginning of March because of so many changes and disappointing people. But I'm learning how to deal with it. I know that if we get back together things need to change. For one, I'd like to change our communication method. We rely heavily on text messaging to communicate on a daily basis. I think a lot of times that is the source of our problems. Things get taken the wrong way through text messages or not expressed in the right ways. I'd like more of a balance of in-person to text communication. Maybe he will agree with this. I'd also like to spend one day with him just him and I. Not everyday like I expected before. I think our problems are really minor compared to a lot of other people's. And I know we can fix them. Just give me another chance, babe. I'll make everything alright.

I Haven't Been On Here In A While

But I need to use it more often. I can't write with a pen and paper because my thoughts travel far more quickly than I can write them down. Last night I got broken up with. For the second time in less than 12 months. But the same guy. Who I've been with almost 3 years now. It sucks. I made him come over and do it in person. That was probably the worst decision ever. But at least he could see how much this is destroying me inside. I know I need to change. I know it. I've become to comfortable being just him and I. I had begun to depend on him for happiness and affection. I expected too much from him. And most of all, I've become such a negative person. I need to change all of this. I need to do this for myself. And I want to do this in hopes that someday he might come back to me. I know he loves me. That's not even in question at all. It's just a matter of him believing that I can change and trusting that I will do it. And I know he doesn't. Because we've been here before. I promise I'll change. I will do this. I have to if I ever want to achieve a healthy relationship with anyone. But at the end of the day, I want you. In my heart, you are my soul mate. You have become such a large part of my life. You are my world. But I have to realize that you can't be the center of my world. Just a big part of it. Other people deserve to be my world too. And I've let so many people down by isolating myself and becoming negative. It sucks. But I need to be more positive and believe that he will give me another chance someday. I need to.

Things I like about myself today:
My determination
My ability to calm down just by writing my thoughts down
My ability to realize that I'm wrong

These are just minor things. I know. But maybe it will help me to write down things I like about myself for the day. And maybe try to make an effort to spend more time with my friends. Monday I hung out with my friend Brock at the zoo and then I babysat my cousins. That was the beginning of mine and Taylor's arguing. And then yesterday I hung out with my friend Martika. We talked a lot about things I need to change in order to create a healthier relationship. It was really nice. But then at the end of the night when I dropper her off, Taylor was hanging out with her husband and asked that I not come up to see him. So I didn't. And then he ended up breaking up with me a few hours after that. It sucked so much. But I love him. And he loves me. And nothing is going to stand in my way of proving myself.